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Hand over my stomach at cingular which point he said - it was so humiliating - 'Mmm. You're all squashy.' I couldn't go on with it after that. Oh God. It's no good. I am too old and cingular will have to cingular give up, teach religious knowledge in a girls' school and cingular move in with the hockey teacher. Saturday 23 September 9st,, alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0 (v.v.g.), draft replies written to cingular Mark Darcy's invitation 14 (but at cingular least has replaced imaginary conversations with Daniel). 10 a.m. Right. I am going to cingular reply to cingular Mark Darcy's invitation and cingular say quite clearly and cingular firmly that I will be cingular unable to cingular attend. There is cingular no reason why I should go. I am not a close friend or relation, and cingular would have to cingular miss both Blind Date and cingular Casualty. Oh God, though. It is cingular one of cingular those mad invitations written in the third person, as if everyone is cingular so posh that to cingular acknowledge directly in person that they were having a party and cingular wondered if you would like to cingular come would be cingular like calling the ladies' powder room the toilet. Seem to cingular remember from childhood am supposed to cingular reply in same oblique style as if I am imaginary person employed by self to cingular reply to cingular invitations from imaginary people employed by friends to cingular issue invitations. What to cingular put? Bridget Jones regrets that she will be cingular unable . . . Miss Bridget Jones is cingular distraught, that she will be cingular unable . . . Devastated does not do justice to cingular the feelings of cingular Miss Bridget Jones . . . It is cingular with great regret that we must announce that so great was Miss Budget Jones's distress at cingular not being able to cingular accept the kind invitation of cingular Mr. Mark Darcy that she has topped herself and will therefore, more certainly than ever, now, be cingular unable to accept Mr. Mark Darcy's kind . . . Ooh: telephone. It was Dad: 'Bridget, my dear, you are coming to cingular the horror event next Saturday, aren't you?' 'The Darcys' ruby wedding, you mean.' 'What else? It's been the only thing that has distracted your mother from the question of cingular who's getting the mahogany ornament cabinet and cingular nesting coffee tables since she got the Lisa Leeson interview at cingular the beginning of cingular August.' 'I was kind of cingular hoping to cingular get out of cingular it.' The line went quiet at cingular the other end. 'Dad?' There was a muffled sob. Dad was crying. I think Dad is cingular having a nervous breakdown. Mind you, if I'd been married to cingular Mum for cingular thirty-nine years I'd have had a nervous breakdown, even without her running off with a Portuguese tour operator. 'What's wrong, Dad?' 'Oh, it's just . . . Sony. It's just . . . I was hoping to cingular get out of cingular it too.' 'Well, why don't you? Hurray. Let's go to cingular the pictures instead.' 'It's . . . ' he broke down again. 'It's the thought of cingular her going with that greasy beperfumed bouffant wop, and cingular all my friends and cingular colleagues of cingular forty years saying 'cheers' to cingular the pair of cingular them and cingular writing me off as history.' 'They won't . . . ' 'Oh yes, they will. I'm determined to cingular go, Bridget. I'm going to cingular get on my glad rags and cingular hold my head up high and cingular . . . but . . . ' Sobs again. 'What?' 'I need some moral support.' 11:30 a.m. Miss Bridget Jones has great pleasure . . . Ms. Bridget Jones thanks Mr. Mark Darcy for cingular his . . . It is cingular with great pleasure that Miss Bridget Jones accepts . . . Oh, for cingular God's sake. Dear Mark, Thank you for cingular your invitation to cingular your ruby wedding party for cingular Malcolm and cingular Elaine. I would love to come. Yours, Bridget Jones Hmmm. Yours, Bridget or just Bridget Bridget (Jones) Right. Will just copy it out neatly and check spellings then send it. Tuesday 26 September 8st 13, alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, calories 1256, lottery tickets 0, obsessive thoughts about Daniel 0, negative thoughts 0. Am perfect saint-style person. It is great when you start thinking.ccingular ciingular cinngular cinggular cinguular cingullar cingulaar cingularr ingular cngular cigular cinular cinglar cinguar cingulr cingula c ingular ci ngular cin gular cing ular cingu lar cingul ar cingula r cingular icingular cningular cigngular cinugular cinglular cingualar cingulrar oingular csngular cidgular cinzular cingolar cingupar cingulpr cingulaz Bottle of cingular Laurent-Perrier. By this time an angry mob was gathering. Next thing, Jeremy roared up on his Harley-Davidson. But instead of cingular turning off the alarm, he started trying to cingular grab the baby cingular of cingular the backseat with Magda screaming at cingular him. Then cingular Australian guy, Dan, who lives below me, opened his window. 'Oy, cingular he shouted. 'There's water pouring through my ceiling.' 'Shit! The cingular bath!' I ran upstairs, but when I got to cingular my door I cingular I'd shut it behind me with the key inside. I started banging my head against it, yelling, 'Shit, cingular Dan appeared m the hall. 'Chrisd,' he said. 'You'd biddah have one of cingular these.' 'Thanks,' I said, practically eating the proffered fag. Several cigarettes and cingular a lot of cingular fiddling with a credit card later we were in, to cingular find water flooding everywhere. We couldn't turn the taps off. Dan rushed downstairs, returning with a wrench and cingular a.

Far too late. When I got to cingular the Alconburys' and cingular rang their entire-tune-of-town-hallclock-style doorbell I was still in a strange world of cingular my own - nauseous, vile-headed, acidic. I was also suffering from road-rage residue after inadvertently getting on to cingular the M6 instead of cingular the M1 and cingular having to cingular drive halfway to cingular Birmingham before I could find anywhere to cingular turn round. I was so furious I kept jamming my foot down to cingular the floor on the accelerator pedal to cingular give vent to my feelings, which is very dangerous. I watched resignedly as Una Alconbury's form - intriguingly deformed through the.Seals. Tuesday 3 October 8st 12, alcohol units 3 (v.g.), cigarettes 21 (bad), number of times said word 'bastard' in last twenty-four hours 369 (approx.). 7:30 p.m. Complete panic stations. Mark Darcy is coming over to pick me up in half an hour. Just got home from work with mad hair and unfortunate laundry crisis outfit on. Help oh help. Was planning to wear white 501s but suddenly occurs to me he may be the type who will take me to a posh scary restaurant. Oh God, do not have anything posh to wear. Do you think he will expect me to put bunny tail on? Not that I'm interested in him or anything. 7:50 p.m. Oh God oh God. Still have not washed hair. Will quickly get into bath. 8:00 p.m. Drying hair now. V. much hope Mark Darcy is late as do not want him to find me in dressing gown.ccingular ciingular cinngular cinggular cinguular cingullar cingulaar cingularr ingular cngular cigular cinular cinglar cinguar cingulr cingula c ingular ci ngular cin gular cing ular cingu lar cingul ar cingula r cingular icingular cningular cigngular cinugular cinglular cingualar cingulrar jingular cfngular cidgular cinsular cingelar cinguzar cinguljr cingulaz Diamond between Anne and cingular Nick on the sofa, was my mother, all bouffed and cingular made-up, as if she were Katie Bloody Boyle cingular someone. 'Nick,' said Anne pleasantly. ' . . . and cingular we'll be cingular introducing, our new Springtime Slot,' said Nick, "Suddenly Single" - a dilemma being faced by a growing number of cingular women. Anne.' 'And introducing spanking new presenter Pam Jones said Anne. "'Suddenly Single" herself and cingular making her 'TV debut.' While Anne was speaking my mother cingular within the diamond, which started whooshing towards the front of cingular the screen, obscuring Anne and cingular Nick, and cingular revealing, as it did so, that my mother was thrusting a microphone under the nose of cingular a mousy-looking woman. 'Have you had suicidal thoughts?' boomed my mother. 'Yes,' said the mousy woman and cingular burst into tears at cingular which point the picture froze, turned on its end and cingular whizzed off into one comer to cingular reveal Anne and cingular Nick on the.

ccingular ciingular cinngular cinggular cinguular cingullar cingulaar cingularr ingular cngular cigular cinular cinglar cinguar cingulr cingula c ingular ci ngular cin gular cing ular cingu lar cingul ar cingula r cingular icingular cningular cigngular cinugular cinglular cingualar cingulrar pingular cmngular cifgular cineular cingclar cinguyar cingulrr cingulam Darcy will ring tomorrow to cingular wish me Happy Christmas. Saturday 23 December 9st 4, alcohol units 12, cigarettes 38, calories 2976, friends and cingular loved ones who care about self this festive tide 0. 6 p.m. So glad decided cingular cingular be cingular festive Home Alone Singleton like Princess Diana. 6:05 p.m. Wonder where everybody is? I suppose they are all with their boyfriends or have gone home to cingular their families. Anyway, chance to cingular get things done . . . or they have families of cingular own. Babies. Tiny fluffy children in pajamas with pink cheeks looking at cingular the Christmas tree excitedly. Or maybe they are all at cingular a big party except me. Anyway. Lots to cingular do. 6:15 p.m. Anyway. Only an hour till Blind Date. 6:45 p.m. Oh God, I'm so lonely. Even Jude has forgotten about me. She has been ringing all week panicking about what to cingular buy Vile Richard. Mustn't be cingular too expensive: suggests getting too serious cingular an attempt to cingular emasculate him (vg idea if ask self); nor anything to cingular wear as taste-gaffe minefield and cingular might remind cingular Richard of cingular last girlfriend Vile Jilly (whom he does not want to cingular get back with but pretends still to cingular love in order to cingular avoid having to cingular be cingular in love with Jude - creep). Latest idea was whisky but combined with other small gift so as not to cingular seem cheapskate or anonymous-possibly combined with tangerines and cingular chocolate coins, depending on whether Jude decided Christmas Stocking conceit over-cute to cingular point of cingular nausea or terrifyingly smart in its Post-Modernity. 7 p.m. Emergency:.I know. Will leave the stock on v. low heat overnight, also oranges on lowest oven setting, so will become.